I have a question from a firewife and I will need help from the rest of you with some answers and suggestions. I've never been to the point where she is, so it's not easy for me to come up with many ideas.
Here's her question:
I admittedly feel resentment at times toward my husband and his job and volunteer efforts as a medic/ff because of the time it takes away from me and our children. There are no boundaries and it affects our lives 24/7, regardless of whether we are out of town or if it's in the middle of the night, employees showing up at our home at all hours, any day to complain about one another, etc. When I reach a breaking point and say anything about it, he spins it and will make me feel guilty for even questioning it by saying, “well remember that if your house ever burns down or your in an accident and need help and no one shows up because their wives complained about them always leaving, too”. Is this common and why should our kids and I always take a backseat to everyone and everything else, regardless of the reason? How far can he use his job and volunteerism as an excuse to leave anytime he wants and of what he wants? I've communicated this endlessly and over 1 0+ years it hasn't changed, at all. Very frustrated and feeling disrespected.
Back when we were volunteer, boundaries were crossed constantly. But, we had them and I just had to remind him strongly he was gone too much and we needed him.
I know there were times I felt less important just from being lonely and raising little kids, but at no time has my FF ever made us feel like we weren't top priority in his life. I do know at breaking points I would have to remind him that our relationship couldn't survive without time together. If we went to dinner or took the kids out, we left the area so there was no chance of going on calls. Pager stayed home.
You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your husband and family. You aren't asking him to give up firefighting, just to balance a little better. Which I hear quite a few firefighters have an issue trying to balance.
I think trying to stay calm during a discussion is the most difficult, but best thing you can do. When he tries to spin it, you have to turn it back to you and your families needs. Explain that you have no problem sharing him with the community, but it has to be shared time, not exclusively the communities time.
Anyone else dealt with this and have some suggestions?
Sarcastically working through the craziness that is life as a FireWife! Hope you also join us on the social media accounts where we chat all night long!
Website: → Wife Behind the Fire
Connect
Thanks for sharing. I know many families has probably felt this way. The balance is a struggle and maintaining is a challenge. I have become the quiet supporter. Family is #1 in my book and the departments. The captains talk about family with the guys a lot which makes it helpful and beneficial for everyone to support their fireman and the department. Someone once told me being a fire wife with kids is a single mom description sometimes. Just stay strong and don’t be afraid ask for help. =) It gets better!
Thank you for commenting Hannah.
I only had to deal with the volunteer scene early on in our marriage when there were no children. Hubby was on 3 different departments and yes gone alot but the time at home we made the most of it. It is a struggle trying to balance family and work.
With regard to the comment about employees showing up day/night to complain about one another – is your hubby an Officer/Chief/Union Officer? If these are just guys wanting to complain and they feel comfortable discussing this with you hubby I personally feel this is one thing that could be “controlled/stopped”. This could be a discussion you have with hubby – you understand his job and that yes being volunteer is important to him but there should be a way that he can control the disruption to your household a little by telling the guys his home time is his time unless it is urgent. Maybe suggest to him that he sets boundaries with these guys – call first to see if I have time.
My hubby is Union President so yes he is called on alot through his phone though. No one just drops in – if it is bad and it needs to be done in person he usually will suggest his shift day but if not he will have them come to the house. He does and I have heard him with “sorry will have to call you back we are in the middle of dinner/family time”.
I do know some firewives that “demand” of their FF’s vs. trying to have an calm conversation. Personally I feel a calm conversation hearing both of your sides and coming to some kind of resolution works best. Asking them to set boundaries vs. telling them what you want them to do is usually the best approach.
Finally all I can say is treasure any time even if it is 5 min when they are home and make the most of it. <3
Thanks for commenting Lori.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. We have all been there to some extent at some point but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I have to agree with the rest of the FF wives here and Lori’s comment about employees and setting boundaries. I wholeheartedly understand the need to connect, discuss or just vent with your fellow comrades/brothers at times but there is a time and place. If it was an occasional issue after a bad call or particularly rough situation, I think this would be ok but it sounds like your home has become the “water cooler” or a counseling room with a revolving door. I would recognize that your husband may not know how to set the boundary on this particular issue without feeling as if he has offended them or let them down in some way. If you think he is open to discussing that with you maybe you could come up with some solutions together for how to address with drop-in guests – like house rules, the call before, or a curfew when the only calls allowed are from specific #s.
The balance of priority with family and the department can some times be skewed by the pedestal many FF’s can put on the “brotherhood”/station family. I don’t know that the FF’s that get caught up in this even know they are doing it. I’m not saying it is an excuse, I just think they hold their brothers in high regard and forget where the line is.
If you could dissect the key things that are leading to your feeling of neglect & disrespect and then ask him to offer some solutions. Essentially, ask him for his advise like he gives his fellow FF’s or what would he tell an employee who’s wife/husband was having the same problem. I just see arguments escalating or the extreme comments when not focused on the specific action/inaction that is causing the pain. So… He jumps to quit being a FF. You can recenter and say, “no, I’m not asking you to do that, I would like to find a way we can have a scheduled family day without interruptions. Can you make that happen for us? Stroke his ego a bit… and let him know you understand he is in high demand or it will be difficult to make that happen but he is creative. You know best.
I know it sucks when you feel like you have to work so hard to communicate with someone you love and that you shouldn’t have to. I hope that you will be able to get your concerns across, be heard and that you will both find some solutions that create more balance.
Great suggestions Miki.
This is such a relatable post! I am in constant struggle with my FF between him being gone for his career FF and also volunteering because work doesn’t go to enough fire for him to feel satisfied. I feel like I am in constant competition with the dagon fire department! And then when he actually is home the guys will text him and ask if he can come for the night, and he will ask me, saying ” you can say no” but it’s like no! You should say no. I shouldn’t have to say no to you, I’m not your keeper, and you should do what you want, and that should be wanting to be with me and our two kids! So frustrating. He thinks being gone at night isn’t a big deal because “we are just sleeping anyways”. It’s really tough, and sometimes I completely blow my top over it making him want to leave more… Ugh
I completely understand the frustrations that come with being a FF wife and the hours/ days that our FF miss out on family time. My FF is a Chief and has 100 volunteers, 20 residence and a paid staff of 4. He is constantly on the go and running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Its nothing for me to call him on my way to work for our normal catch up conversation and hes got someone walking into his office with a “problem”, or “Hey Chief I have a question”, and more often than not tones drop…..”Bye babe be safe love you” This is the day and the life of a fire wife, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Luckily for me we have date nights or family nights where the scanner, pager and phone is turned off. He NEVER brings his radio into the house (his choice not mine) My FF makes it a point to spend time with us and focus on family time. Ive learned than I am one of the lucky ones. However this was a hard lesson learned by my FF. He was in a previous marriage years ago and he was “married” to his job, never home always chasing the next fire or MVA.
I think the most important thing is to be honest and open with your FF and let them know “Hey I NEED YOU”. They are not mind readers, and they need to know that they are needed at home also. We as FF wives are a different breed and for the most part can handle the struggle that comes with the fire life. We play mom, dad, maid, referee when the boys are throwing down in the front yard over fishing tackle, we are the peace keepers, the taxi, the boo boo fixers and the glue that keeps the family together. We hold down the “fort” so to speak so well they often forget that they are needed at home. My love to all you FF wives, we have a tough job loving a FF!! Keep your head up, your voices loud, be supportive and demand his attention. After all we deserve it!
Telling them our needs is always important. I’m glad your Chief figured out that balance is key 🙂