You Knew What You Signed Up For!

My husband returned to work when our son was ten days old.   On the morning I said goodbye to him for what was to be a 24 hour shift, I kissed him, shut the door and cried.  I was not ready to be home alone with my newborn son but my firefighters work was calling.  The morning my husband was suppose to come home he called to say he was mando, which automatically put him into a 72 hour shift.  Little did I know it was going to be a 96 hour shift.  This was to become my norm the up coming year.  I didn’t know the impact and toll it would take on our relationship and our family life, neither did he.  A few weeks into my new life as a mom I expressed how hard his firefighting schedule was for me.  The response was, you knew what you signed up for.

But I didn’t.

How could I?

I met my husband at a Firefighters Chili Cook-off, I had no clue the life I was signing up for when I had agreed to go.  My husbands booth was the last booth my cousin and I walked up to, it changed my life.  He said hello, smiled and handed me chili.  My head spun, I’m pretty sure my tongue swelled, I was unable to speak.  I walked away with my cousin and said I just met my husband, the father of my children.  My cousin laughed, told me I was crazy, and I was for the firefighter with the amazing smile.

My man was eight years deep into his career when we met. He had been a father for seven years.  My first born son was his second.

I did not experience the fire academy.  I knew nothing about the firefighting life.  I had a Monday through Friday corporate career.  Weekends were weekends.  I had holidays off.  When I was simply his girlfriend, my career, friends and interest filled up the time he was away at work.  I maintained my own home.  I was unaffected by the firefighter schedule.

I had no clue what I had signed up for.

I had never been a mom before, I wasn’t even my firefighters wife yet. We moved in together when I was 7 months pregnant.  I moved away from my home town, my family and my friends.  I did not move far but I moved.  I knew no one in this new town.  The life I knew had changed, I was a mom.  I no longer went to work.  I didn’t see my friends.  My man was always gone.  When he wasn’t at the fire station he was often doing a 6 hour drive to pick up his oldest son for the weekend.  I was alone.  I was lonely.  I couldn’t even remember when I had showered.  I struggled with the role of becoming a wife.  I was still adjusting to the demands of motherhood.  My husband was a broken record with the painful words; you knew what you signed up for.  I resented him.  I resented his career.  I thought he was an emotionless asshole whenever he uttered those words.  Those words divided us.  I had no clue how to support his career and he had no clue how to support my lonely life at home.

I wanted to run away.  I missed my old life.

Just shy of a year into my life as a mother and firefighters wife, I decided to leave.  I showed up at my parents doorstep late one night.  Me, my son, my pregnant belly and a suitcase.  I was 36 and lost.

A year of mando’s had ruined our family life.  It had become too much.  When my husband wasn’t being mando’d, he was constantly signing up for overtime.  Unable to say no to the money it brought in.

Leaving was the best decision I ever made for us.  I felt at peace when I drove away.  I was over the fire life, the mando’s, the schedule and my lonely home.  I never saw my husband.  I was raising my son alone.  The daily stress of his career was greater than my struggle to adjust.  My husband was unable to understand where I was coming from.  My struggles seemed trivial to him while he was out saving lives.  I took a stance against, “you knew what you signed up for”, it grabbed his attention and for the first time I finally felt heard.

After I left I no longer heard, you knew what you signed up for.

My husband wanted his family back.

I resisted.

I lived with my parents for the next six months. We struggled to figure out what to do with our relationship.  I enjoyed the separation. When we met up, my husband was present, he showed up, he listened.  We enjoyed our time together with our sons.  Our relationship was fun again, the love and affection I felt returned.  My husband repeatedly asked me to come back home.

I resisted.

The demand of his schedule was still the same. He’s department was short staffed.

A week before Thanksgiving my son, my growing belly and I returned home.

After the first week I had thought I had made a mistake. The loneliness of the schedule crept back in, but this time when I voiced my struggle, I did not hear, “you knew what you signed up for”, instead my husband embraced me with a hug and replied, “I know it’s hard”.  I melted in his arms and I knew I had made the right decision.

Today, the demands of his schedule are still a challenge.  We are once again plagued by mando’s.  When my husband isn’t at work, he travels to hands on trainings, symposiums and attends a lot of classes.  He is deep in the trenches preparing to become a Captain with the next test right around the corner.

I still struggle to balance it all; the demands of his schedule and the challenge of raising our sons.  The loneliness is there at times and I still do a lot of things without him.  My girlfriends don’t understand because their husbands come home every night.

My husband and I now take the time to check in with each other daily.  We make it a priority to connect, even if it’s a simple “I love and missed you today”.  We work hard on understanding each others communication style.  We compliment each other daily, making it a priority to voice our appreciation for each other.  My boys and I visit the firehouse when daddy’s on a long shift.  We have fun making cookies for the firehouse or delivering a bag of groceries which helps our boys stay connected to daddy.

One of my husbands favorite books is Attitude 101, John C. Maxwell, we reference it often.  Maxwell wrote, “Life can be liken to a grindstone.  Whether it grinds you down or polishes you depends on what you are made of.”

Our life is full of love and happiness.  We are blessed. We chose to be polished.  This is indeed what I have signed up for.

Have you been told, “you knew what you signed up for” by anyone before?  How did it make you feel?